Yeah I am finally going to be a dad! When Melissa and I found out we cried and cried for pure joy.
For a while I was not sure if I was ready to be fully excited because everything that happened last year. I couldn't even look at the fatherhood book that we had gotten till a few months passed. I think it was so hard before because I didn't know that normally people waited until the second trimester to spread the word. No one told me. I was just so happy. That chapter is over now. It took a very long time to ease the over whelming sadness off. In fact I am not sure that I have really recovered. I stopped painting for a good four or five months. There is still a pulsing sorrow under everything that rises up at times. I think that is normal to feel after going through what we did.
Now that we are in our 14th week and everything is going well I want to share with whoever how great it has been to know that in a few months a new life will enter the world that is equal parts Melissa and me. We saw and heard the heart BEATING!!!
I have been feeling exhilarated and amazed at all sorts of things that I would never have paid any attention to. Before the best times I could think of where getting married and rocking in the pit at a punk show and now I feel like waves of that same excitement are around every corner. When we talk about names, when we look at Ramones onesies, when we sing to her belly and earlier tonight she thinks she felt it move!!! Ha! The world awaits!!
I like the name Horse(or Atomic Horse) but I don't think that is going to fly with Melissa so I will just have to implement it early as a nick name and hope it sticks. Her funny idea was the middle name snopp dogg. HAHAHAHAHA! Really Melissa is the funniest lady in the world. She is fucking awesome all the time.
I do find my self torn on a lot of things ethically. I want to instill radical ideas yet I also what our child to have respect for thier Chicano and Italian American heritage. That is an on going thing that I think we will just have to let flow in whatever direction/ form it takes. All we can really do is present ideas right? What that child chooses to take is all up to them.
Everyone is asking if we want to find out the gender or not. I can see not wanting to find out the gender so as not to encourage all the gender specific color coded garbage the family is most likely going to buy at sweatshop using super stores and even while we are encouraging homemade and locally bought items I think not finding out would drive me crazy with curiosity. Just keeping real yall.
One other thing. It makes me sad that my folks can't be around for the whole process. There is a comfort that they provide even though our ideologies are polar opposites. To be perfectly honest I kind of feel alone in some ways. First there are no other Chicano families around save my sister Viktoria of which I am very grateful. Both for her experience and her kids are fucking cool and crazy as hell. We have four friends that have kids but we are not particularly close with any of them. There are not a lot of resources out there for Punk Rock Chicano Dads. I guess this will be resource numero uno! VIVA PUNK ROCK PADRES.
Well I am greatful that Melissa and I are so in sync. She is an amazing lady and that keeps me fueled and ready for anything.
that is another thing. I no longer have any fear of being a bad dad. all that fear turned into commitment. This shit is magic!
Anyway, this is the first of hopefully many posts. I will be putting up more pics and talking about a very specific kind of parenting group (ie.punkrock/chicano/radical parenting/artist) that perhaps some one will find useful. If nothing else Melissa and I will be able to vent and ruminate on this wholly new and astounding experience.
Go Team Valenzuela!!!